Vibrators – The Santa Barbara Independent

I don’t mean to brag, but my purse is a fucking wonderland. My fully loaded survival purse contains the tools to stop both heartburn and sunburn. The treasures therein can eradicate six consecutive days of headaches and avoid two, maybe three meals in a row. They can deal with a menstrual emergency, wipe germs off the handles of baskets, and turn a failed rash into a fabulously relaxed updo. But what my purse can’t do is produce a basic orgasm. And now I feel a little lame about it.

Rosshell stars

I recently heard about a line of mini-vibrators disguised as basic, unsexy cosmetics – a fake lipstick, a tube of mascara, a blush brush, and a compact mirror, each promising a full 80 minutes. buzzing in two modes: “please” and “tease.” Why get makeup? It’s not because they both bring color to your cheeks.

Billed as a “trendy discreet sex accessory,” each little wand of pleasure is meant to be tossed in your bag for convenience… er, “when you need it most”. I did some research (and I’m sure the Internet was invented precisely for this purpose) and found others that double as a hairbrush, a pack of Life Savers, and even a lint roller. , which is about as little hot as it gets.

A writer for AFTER the magazine swears the devices went through security checkpoints at a museum and airport in its purse without asking questions. But airport screening officers surely noticed the battery-powered lipstick and had a private chuckle before clearing it for take off.

I love the underground aspect of these buzzing gadgets – those dirty little, pretty little secrets. It’s like something Q would have presented to Bond before an important mission: “Now be careful, 007; it is activated by nerve impulses from the muscles of the wrist… ”

But for all their stealthy, loving pleasure, I can’t imagine why I would need them. (Does that make me a buzzkill?) Listen, no one likes to use the words “logistics” and “orgasm” in the same sentence, but how exactly do you survive an earthquake in a museum? Or an airport? There’s a time and place for the battery-powered yee-haw, and it’s never within four hours of a TSA pat-down.

You wouldn’t use it online at Panera. You should not use it in the carpool lane. What’s the use of having hidden toys if you must have a hidden hallelujah? I would prefer a theatrical O to a practical O even if that means waiting to be within earshot of my bedside table.

And then there’s this comment that I spotted in customer reviews of a site that sells things: “Warning: don’t wear a lipstick vibrator if you have a five-year-old who’s going to be rummaging through your skin. purse and attempt to put lipstick in in front of grandma. Oops.”

Can i be honest? When I’m outside, what I need more often than a screaming shimmy is like a cup of coffee. Or a small, discreet cocktail. I’d rather have a “lipstick tube” in my purse that’s really a shot of Baileys, and a “compact mirror” that hides a really intense cup of peanut butter, which makes your skull buzz. You know, for emergencies. For when I “need it most”.

But I guess purse-sized sex toys are no different from any other tools that a self-sufficient, geared-up, compulsively groomed girl keeps in her purse at all times. We will never use most of what we pack. It’s just nice to know that whatever the day brings, salvation is never more than a distance away. And maybe some AA CopperTops.

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